Rather Be Elsewhere
by seeyouontheice
Summary: Mo decides to brave the waters and take on the enigma that is Jac Naylor
1. Chapter 1

No one really enjoyed the night shift. Especially when their ward was half-empty and the patients were in no danger of suddenly crashing and therefore in need of whisking off to theatre at 'insane-o'clock'. It was one of those rare shifts that scheduled the four of them to be on-call at once although in all fairness there was little point.

Elliot had hidden himself away in the office in order to attack the mountain of paperwork that had 'appeared' there the other day. He also had been told to tidy his desk so that he didn't lose things like patient files and very expensive iPads or mobile phones. So that was his task for the night; paperwork and tidying. Luckily he'd managed to sneak in a supply of doughnuts and flask of coffee which made the prospect that little brighter.

Jonny had retired to the on-call room. He'd foolishly agreed to go out with Michael, Malick, Harry, Sacha and a few of the other guys the previous night, and had stumbled into work the following morning with the world's worst hangover and the promise of a sleepless night ahead of him. Needless to say that he was crashed out across the bed, lying on his stomach snoring within moments of shutting the door and discarding his scrub top.

This left Jac and Mo the job of keeping an eye on the ward from the safety of the nurses' station and the comfortable chairs that it provided. The two women had already wasted about half an hour in a relatively uncomfortable silence due to the fact that one didn't know what to say and the other didn't want to talk. The relative silence of the ward – minus the sounds of the machines – was starting to irritate them both and they realised that they might, actually, have to talk because otherwise the silence would drive them insane.

Surprisingly it was Jac who attempted to speak first, although it was a feeble attempt. "Elliot's in the office right?"

"He's most probably asleep."

"So is Jonny."

"Yup," she muttered and the conversation fell flat on its feet. About five minutes later Mo attempted with, "How's Sacha coping?"

"He isn't. He'd like to think he is but …"

"Well he's got Chrissie at least."

"Yeah … I guess," Jac wasn't too sure about that but decided to keep her doubts to herself; Sacha didn't need to get wind of them – nor did anyone for that matter. They fell silent again and the annoying whirring of the life support machines and others returned to the forefront of the noise, causing Jac long for _something_ to happen.

It seemed Mo was also of that opinion. "Well this promises to be fun."

"Buckets full of it," Jac agreed sarcastically, "what would I give for a nice RTC to come crashing through those doors to shake things up."

"I know the feeling … well that's just perfect!" Mo suddenly exclaimed.

"What is?"

"Computer's crashed."

"Blame Maconie – he's been downloading apps on it as if there's no tomorrow."

"It's so nice to hear you speak so fondly of the father of your child."

"Isn't it just?" Jac spun on her chair to look at the on-call room where Jonny lay sleeping, "what kind of idiot learns he's gonna be a dad and then continues to go out and get drunk? He was reeking of booze this morning … great influence he's gonna be. Just the kind of man you'd want to be the father of your child; immature and with a mind trapped eternally in the gutter."

"If he bothers you that much then why are you letting him get involved?"

"Oh yeah," Jac muttered "like I have a choice in that."

"Quit complaining Jac. I know you love him."

"What?" Mo rolled her eyes before pushing her chair backwards so she came to a stop beside the consultant.

"You heard me … and the fact that you've yet to deny it just confirms it all the more I'm afraid."

"Piss off," Jac muttered.

"Still haven't denied it though!"

"I said get lost!"

"Fine I'll go and get a coffee …" Mo got to her feet, smirking, and wondered down the corridor towards the lift. "Page me if anything happens will ya?"

"No chance."

* * *

Mo peered through the glass in the office door as she passed with three cups of coffee and a cup of tea, and sure enough Elliot was seated at his desk with his head resting on his mountain of paperwork. Deciding to leave the coffee on his desk and not wake him, Mo carefully opened the door and gently set the cup down where he would see it, but not knock it over – Jac's desk – before edging out of the room just as silently.

Setting her coffee and the tea on top of the counter, and wondering where Jac was, Mo repeated the process with Jonny. She snuck into the on-call room, rolled her eyes at his lack of wearing a top, and set the coffee on the floor beside the bed where he would see it. She backed out of the room in time to see Jac emerging from the ladies bathroom. Well she had been right in saying that Jonny was reeking of booze – although the smell had lessened now he'd removed his shirt.

"Did I miss much?"

"Nope … nothing at all … what were you doing in there?"

Was that jealousy in her voice? "I brought coffee for everyone – well tea for you since you're up the duff – and I put it beside the bed like I put one on the desk for Elliot." Mo handed Jac the tea and watched as the consultant struggled not to reject the gesture while the registrar sat back down into her chair.

"Yeah well … by the time they wake up the coffee will probably be cold anyway."

"That's their problem – should be awake shouldn't they."

"Little point … there's nothing to do here."

"You can say that again." Mo sipped her coffee as Jac reclaimed her seat and watched her intently for a moment or two.

"What?" she rolled her eyes, "please don't tell me you're about explain why I am apparently in love with Maconie."

"No … I was gonna ask if that was just a toilet break you took or if your morning sickness phase is being more of night sickness phase … mine ruddy was."

"Oh yeah, because I'm really going to discuss all that with you of all people," Jac told her.

"Who else do you have Jac?" Mo asked gently, surprised at herself for taking on this dangerous topic of conversation so late at night.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she snapped back at once.

Mo changed tack, "Why do you insist on shutting people out all the time?" Jac stared at the computer and didn't say a word, but Mo knew that she was listening to her every word. "I know there's a reason for it …"

"When did you become a master of psychology?"

"It doesn't take a psych consultant to figure out that you're not nearly as heartless or uncaring as you make out to be."

"Leave it alone Mo … please."

"Why?" Jac let out a sigh but otherwise didn't answer, "Jac … what happened to make you such a bitch?"

Jac stared at the monitor until the screen started to make her eyes ache. Her question was erringly similar to one Sahira Shah had asked on her very first day. _"What happened in your life to make you so vile?"_ Why couldn't Mo just leave it alone? It wasn't that she didn't want to tell her the truth, more she _couldn't. _She didn't trust anyone enough to let them see her at her weakest and realise just how insecure she was.

It would be nice, Jac mused, to have that – trust. But that had been taken from her long ago, by the one person you should _never_ have to doubt.

"Jac?" the call startled her slightly and she blinked.

"What?"

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Erm …"

Jac could picture Mo rolling her eyes. "I said; that it stays between us. I won't go running off to tell Jonny and I promise not to let the gossip wheel catch a whiff of anything you say."

She was genuine, and meant it. _Trust her … come on; you need to trust someone other than just Sacha and Michael._ But did she really trust Mo that much? Now she thought about it, she probably trusted Mo more than she trusted Michael right now … and Sacha had his own problems to be dealing with.

"Just leave it Mo," Jac sighed eventually.

"You do know that I'm not capable of that, don't you?"


	2. Chapter 2

Settling Mrs Thomas back down in her bed, Jac noted the stats and jotted them down before heading back over to the nurses' station where Mo sat chatting on the phone. However a churning in her stomach caused her to detour rather quickly to the ladies. Shoving her hair back into a sloppy ponytail, Jac barged into the middle cubical, fell to her knees and vomited rather messily into the toilet basin.

Wiping her mouth with a bit of loo paper, Jac leant back against the side of the cubical and sighed heavily, wishing she had some mints to take away the awful taste she now had in her throat. Closing her eyes, Jac didn't hear the door opening or the tentative call of her name, but she did feel it when someone slumped down on beside her after flushing the toilet for her.

She knew it was Mo.

"When did it start?"

"Yesterday … I think I'd rather it is in the morning, that way I could at least get some sleep."

"Yeah but in the morning then you run the risk of people discovering you throwing up at work," Mo reasoned.

"And there are some lucky buggers who don't have to deal with it," Jac moaned wistfully.

"When was the last time you were ill?" Mo watched as the red-head lifted her shoulders and then let them fall again. "You alright to move, or do you need to hug the toilet a bit longer?"

Jac smiled slightly. "I'll be out in a minute or two," at Mo's look she sighed, "If I'm not then you can feel free to come and find me. I'll be here … throwing up."

Mo smiled and climbed to her feet awkwardly, remembering to wash her hands before leaving the bathroom. True to her word Jac emerged about a minute later looking slightly paler than usual, but not remarkably so. Rummaging through the draw in front of her, Mo found the stash of mints and offered the packet to Jac. "Here … I take it you haven't got your toothbrush with you?"

"Thanks … and why aren't I surprised that you've stashed food here?"

"These aren't mine."

"Whose then?" she asked a little confused.

"Tara's," Mo whispered and watched as Jac's face crumpled into … sorrow? "You okay?"

Jac shrugged as she hugged her knees to her chest, and Mo realised it was a habit – something that she did when she was feeling ... not usual uncaring self. Or was this her usual self? "I take it Jonny told you how we met – at the People Skills Course?"

"Yeah he did … and he seemed rather proud of the fact that you believed he was a neurosurgeon."

"Well he was cocky enough to be." Mo grinned and nodded in agreement. "The only reason I went on that course was because Elliot and Hanssen caught me shouting at her."

"It must've been bad, for them to shove you on that course."

"I called her a foetus in scrubs," Jac admitted softly, "and that I wouldn't let her into theatre if there was no one else and I was flat lining on the table."

Mo didn't miss how Jac had avoided using Tara's name. "Well put it this way, would you still have gotten it on with Jonny that second time if it wasn't for that first one?"

"I don't know … maybe, maybe not …" it was a very valid question, and Jac knew the answer although she didn't like to admit it because then it would be like she was in debt to the F1 … as if she owed her – which she did – something for initiating her 'relationship' with Jonny. "I … I wouldn't be pregnant right now if … if she hadn't – had not died."

It felt weird, admitting even that much. "One life ends … another begins," Mo murmured and Jac found she was agreeing with her.

"So it would seem … for now at any rate."

Mo frowned at Jac's statement. _For now at any rate_ what did she mean by that? "You okay Jac? I mean … well, you okay?"

"Why would I not be?" she asked at once as she let go of her knees and turned back to her computer as if she hadn't almost said that Tara was the reason she'd met and fallen for Jonny. "I'm going for some air," she decided.

"You tell me."

* * *

Despite being June, it was still rather balmy outside so Jac didn't linger out there long. Grabbing an apple from the canteen, she discovered halfway up the stairs that she didn't actually want it. Unsurprisingly the ward was unchanged when she returned, and Mo was yawing at the nurses' station and flicking through a magazine without showing much interest. "No change?"

"Nope, none at all … although Jonny did emerge a moment a go in need of a bathroom break. If you watch I'm sure you'll see him on his return to the on-call room. You can hardly miss him; he's strutting around topless."

Jac ignored her as she reclaimed her seat, placing the uneaten apple on the counter. True to her word, Jonny backed out of the men's bathroom a few moments later – very much topless – although he was hardly strutting. He trudged sleepily over to them and asked if they needed him for anything and rather than send him on his rounds, Jac took pity and sent him back to bed. Mo chose not to comment.

"Thanks … you eating this?" he picked up the apple and Jac shook her head, "you mind if I have it then?"

"Go for it," Jac told him and he smiled through his fatigue before suddenly and spontaneously kissing her cheek. He'd already shut the door to the on-call room by the time Jac had registered what had just happened. "Don't," she warned Mo.

"I wasn't," she promised and for some reason, Jac believed her. "Listen … Jac … I don't know what happened to you as a kid … but I do know that it's eating you up inside."

"You don't know anything."

"Maybe not … but no one will ever understand you if you shut them out."

Jac struggled with that. "Well what if I don't want to be understood? What if I just want to be left alone?"

"Is that really what you want, to be alone all the time? What about your kid Jac? Will you shut your child out too?"

"Stop!" the panic in her voice startled Mo and she wondered what it was she'd said that had hit one of Jac's nerves like that. "Please Mo … stop."

"Why?"

"Why do think?" Jac was hugging her knees to her chest again, and Mo wondered briefly if perhaps this was a task better suited to the likes of Sharon Kozinsky.

"Have you ever … erm, talked to anyone?"

"They forced me to … when I was in care. But what's the point? They don't listen." The truthfulness surprised both women at how readily and easily it had come.

"Well like I said … what is said tonight stays between us … hay, I kept you being pregnant from Jonny Mac, didn't I?"

She saw a flicker of a smile from Jac as the consultant accepted that Mo wouldn't betray her to anyone, not even Jonny. "Yeah … I s'pose you did."

"What time are the others due to come in? Six isn't it?" Mo asked after a while.

"No, half-seven," Jac said, "what idiot invented such long night shifts anyway?" she complained and Mo agreed profusely.

"How old were you, when you went into care?" _rather bold question there Mo_ she mused, watching Jac as the consultant stared without realising it at the on-call room door.

"Twelve … I was twelve." Closing her eyes Jac plunged head first into the deep end and hoped that she remembered how to swim. "My mother … she – erm … wasn't really that good a mother. Never told me she loved me or … or hugged me or any of that stuff. If anything I was a …" Jac searched for the word, "a burden on her. One huge mistake, yeah … that was me."

Mo sat frozen, afraid that if she moved or made a sound then Jac would retreat behind her defences again. That her mother had never shown any love towards her immediately explained why Jac was so … uptight about that emotion and showing it to people. Mo knew that Jac did love – was capable of love – because why else would she be so … protective, was that the word … over Sacha right now, and why she'd been the one he trusted to shave his hair off. She also knew that Jac loved Jonny … god that woman needed to learn how to spin a convincing lie.

"What happened, did they take you away from her?"

"No."

"What then?"

"She walked out on me."


	3. Chapter 3

The ward was silent. You could probably hear a pin drop if you listened hard enough through the background of bleep and whirs of the various life-support and bp machines. Footsteps could be heard thundering down the stairs through the open doors as well as the various snoring from the patients – and Jonny.

However it was no longer dull and uninteresting because for the first time in her life, Jac Naylor was beginning to willingly open up. True it had taken Mo a fair while to get even this far with her but still, admitting that her mother had abandoned her without _having _to tell someone for whatever reason was a major step. Watching her intently, Mo wondered what kind of person could do that to their twelve year old daughter. There and then, Mo blamed Jac's rash and uncaring front on her mother and began to understand a little as to _why_ she acted like she did.

It was a coping method – a defence technique – which she had developed probably around that time and she'd never really been encouraged to … deal with it. Yes she'd spoken softly and truthfully about it, but that was just it; there had been no emotion – no sense of _understanding_ of what had happened to her. She'd accepted it – that was clear – but she didn't understand it … and that was what tore her apart. The lack of emotion and the 'matter-of-fact' way of stating the events just put into place how … lost she was. No one to guide her or to hold her or to tell her she was doing something good or to pull her up short and knock some sense into her when she wasn't. No one she could trust without having to question that trust because the one person she _should_ trust was not there. No one to run to when she was scared or upset; she didn't have a shoulder to cry on … and everyone should, at the very least, have a shoulder to cry on when the need demanded it … but she didn't.

"Just like that?" the registrar whispered quietly.

"Just like that," Jac repeated softly, "I got no warning, no … nothing. She just left one day and never came back," Jac closed her eyes but didn't continue. It seemed that she'd run out of words to say, or more she didn't know what to say.

Realising that she had to give Jac a question to make it easier for the consultant to let it out, Mo chose the first that popped into her head. "What was it like? Being in care," she watched as Jac's gaze drifted from the on-call room over to her.

She swallowed and frowned, searching – or so it seemed – for the right words. "No one's time in care is easy," she began slowly, "but nor is it the same … you see kids come in here all the time, caught up in the institute that's supposed to protect them but only makes them worse … and there's no escape from it – not really; because you never can quite get rid of the sense that you were never good enough in the first place."

_Never good enough in the first place _well that well and truly summed up Jac's whole bearing and explained a great deal to Mo. "So that's why you shut everyone out? You're scared that, essentially, you'll get abandoned again?"

Jac struggled with the question, trying to come up with an honest answer, "I can't trust anyone enough to know that they won't do that to me. I need to know that I'm … needed – wanted – otherwise what's the point in even trying? I've let people in before …"

"And?" Mo prompted when Jac failed to speak.

She sighed and let her head fall back against the chair as she took a deep breath that Mo realised was to control the tremble in her voice she hadn't noticed was even there. "And nothing … I was mistaken. I chose the wrong people and I ended up feeling worse, ended up doubting myself more than I already do."

"What do you doubt yourself on … god I sound like a shrink!"

Jac smiled and gave a small laugh, glad that Mo had found a way to lighten the situation slightly even if it was a lost battle in reality, "Everything, Mo."

* * *

Somewhere on the ward, one of the many and countless clocks chimed eleven o'clock. Since Jonny was most probably dead to the world in the on-call room, Jac had decided to tour the ward and jot down all the obs that needed doing. This was more an excuse to get away from Mo for a while rather than spare herself the task of waking up Jonny. How the hell was the registrar doing it? Of all the people to try and get her to open up and to tell them what her problems were, why was Mo Effanga, a woman she didn't even particularly like, the one who had prodded a very honest and truthful response out of her?

She knew she could trust Mo … knew that Mo wasn't asking out of boredom or looking for fresh gossip. Jac knew that Mo was asking because she was genuinely concerned and that she felt she owed it to Jonny to at least _try_. Jac would probably do the same for Sacha … at a push … if she was in the mood … and the occasion demanded it of her.

After checking to see that no one was about to die or had died, Jac returned to the nurses' station and slumped down into her chair thankful that her stomach had settled … for now. Wondering vaguely where Mo was, Jac clicked on her emails uninterested and wished that it was later than quarter-past-eleven. Reading some crap from Michael about HolbyCare Jac gave up and turned the machine off before resting her head on the counter and closing her eyes.

"Tea?" looking up to find Mo offering her a mug of the stuff, Jac wordlessly accepted it and waited for her to begin her questions once again. After almost half an hour of silence, Jac began to convince herself that Mo had – just as everyone else had – given up. "I was thinking … if I ever decide to ditch CT and transplants to become one of those dreaded psych consultants … you'd back me up and give me a good reference, right?"

Jac laughed. "Well the way things are going, CT is becoming a lost art almost …"

"There will always be a need for heart surgeons Jac." Mo was playing absently on the iPad on one of the games Jonny had installed while Jac sat back in her chair and cursed the pregnancy for making her so tired … and she wasn't even ten weeks yet.

"Why d'you do it?"

"Do what?" Mo asked.

"Maybe I asked it wrong … a few years ago Ollie and I were treating some patient – he was still and F1 and relatively new. I think it was New Year … he spent most of theatre asking all these stupid, useless questions that he expected me to answer. One of them was why I chose this …" Jac looked at Mo, "why I chose to become a doctor … why did you?"

She felt she owed it to Jac to answer her question honestly since Jac had answered all hers truthfully, "I chose this because … what other job gives you the same job satisfaction as this one? What other job allows you to help people who need it the most? I chose this because I wanted to help I guess." Jac nodded as if this was what she'd expected her to say.

From the depths of Darwin the clock chimed midnight and the two women fell silent as they counted out the twelve chimes and heard the last fade into the noise of the ward left under their supervision. "Well … nothing so far; and unless we get a sudden arrival, then I doubt there will be anything for us to do since the obs are all stable."

"Shame … well it isn't but it doesn't help to waste away a night shift like this one," Mo fiddled with the iPad while Jac absently played with her empty mug waiting for something to happen even though she knew the chances were unlikely.

"I almost want an excuse to wake up Jonny and Elliot – just because it would be entertaining to watch."

"That is a bit on the mean side Jac … even if they are supposed to be as awaked as we are," the two women fell silent once again before Mo turned to the consultant, "why do you do this Jac?" She'd been wondering how long it would take for Mo to get round to asking her that question, and Jac was still unsure how to respond.

"The same reason I told Ollie."

"Which was? Or would you rather I dragged it outta him?"

"They're easier to fix. Other people … other people are easier to fix. That's the answer to why."


	4. Chapter 4

Mo sat staring after Jac as the consultant made another dash to the ladies. _Other people are easier to fix_. Was Jac really that broken by all that had happened to her? Mo had only scratched the surface, been given the bare minimum of events and what had happened to her – Jac had expertly avoided going into detail about her time in care by basically saying it had scarred her. She'd been abandoned by her own mother and felt that she could trust anyone enough out of fear that they would abandon her too – that they would render her 'not good enough' and dismiss her worth for someone whole.

What should she do? She was out of her depth here … but there was no way Jac was going to talk to a professional about all this; she didn't trust them. But what if she knew the person, and liked the person? What then? Mo wanted to help Jac, she really did, but too much had happened to her and too much had gone on in her life for a conversation in the dead of night to have much effect on the woman. While Mo would be able to understand her, she'd still be the same untrusting self around everyone else … and that was not what she needed if she was going to have a baby.

How would Jac react if Mo suggested psych to her? She'd have to go about it carefully and make sure that she was acting only because she was worried about her – as a friend. Fishing Tara's mints out of the draw as Jac returned from the ladies, Mo handed them to Jac and saw the flicker of pain pass ever so briefly over her paler-than-usual face before she took one and sat down again. They had seen nothing of Elliot since he'd departed to the office at the start of the shift and Jonny was most probably snoring in the on-call room.

"Are you done with dissecting my life yet, or is there some other aspect you want explaining?" but Jac didn't sound mean or sarcastic when she said it, more … 'let us get on with it' as if she'd resigned herself to Mo's questions.

"Why are you so distant about this pregnancy?"

Jac tapped her fingers on the keyboard but didn't answer at first. Mo had to repeat her question before she got a reaction from the red-head. "Because I'm scared … the chances of something going wrong are higher than it going right. I don't want it to go wrong … but I just know it will. Every day I let myself think 'tomorrow … it'll happen tomorrow' because I know it will. Statistically … with my history and everything … I almost wish I wasn't."

"You don't know that Jac … you've made it – what, ten weeks? Who's to say that things will go wrong if they haven't already?"

"Because nothing good ever lasts for long … not for me."

"How'd you work that one out?"

"Do I really need to explain? I make a habit of falling for a man when he doesn't love me back and the moment something goes right something else goes drastically wrong."

"But … Jonny does love you." Mo said it quietly, aware that Jac was close to tears since the raw emotion was throbbing through her voice and she seemed unable to control her words.

"So how can I tell him that I probably will destroy his baby?"

"Don't say that … don't say it like that Jac …"

"How else do I say it Mo? Who else do I blame? It's my fault … it's always my fault," Jac turned away from the registrar and blinked furiously to rid herself of water that had gathered in her eyes. No matter what happened, she was determined not to cry in front of Mo.

"Not this … this … this is out of your control Jac – out of anyone's control."

"Do you know what it's like, not having control over your own life?" Jac had returned to bitter and was staring stubbornly at the blank computer screen. "You make one tiny move and suddenly you've done wrong or it triggers off a chain of events that you never wanted to happen. You make one mistake … get too attached and ruin everything you ever had and ever wanted." Without warning, she pushed her chair away and walked off.

* * *

After waking both Jonny and Elliot and telling them that she and Jac were going on a break since they'd already slept half the shift away, Mo set off to find Jac. The consultant hadn't wondered far; she was sitting on the bottom step of the back stairs wearing Jonny's hoodie. Settling down beside her Mo waited for her to speak first.

"Mine's in the wash … and he's not using it."

"That and it probably smells like him or something – you're not nearly as anti-soppy as you make out to be."

"Get on with it Mo … stop with all this small talk; it's not why you chased after me," she suddenly sounded exhausted – utterly drained and with a pang Mo remembered how in those first few weeks the added drain was that much worse because the body hadn't gotten used to the idea of an independent being inside it quite yet.

"So control is as necessary for you as shutting people out, am I right?" Mo watched as she dipped her head once and sighed, "but that's no way to live Jac … not really; how are you meant to live your dreams and let something amazing happen to you if you're too afraid of losing control and letting people in. How is that living?" because Jac _wasn't_ living. She was … drifting. Drifting through life without daring to experience it … all because her mother had never, once, told her she was loved.

"I had dreams once … but I was told I'd never reach them. Told I wasn't good enough for them … told to shut up and do my homework or … go to bed or …" it was anger now, more than anything that Mo heard, "What's the point in dreaming when you know they won't come true?"

"Dreaming is what keeps us going when reality lets us down …"

"And now you're chatting shit to me Maureen, thanks." The joking … that was what Jonny did when he was uncomfortable in a situation; they were more alike than they realised – or acknowledged. She was half tempted to knock their heads together … although right now wasn't the time to be musing over that fact.

"What d'you want me to say Jac? I'm no shrink … no councillor … I can listen, but I don't think that's enough, not for you."

"So what are you saying? That I'm round the bend?" there was hurt in her voice, as if she felt that Mo was somehow betraying her.

"I'm saying that I think you've been alone too long … that you've shut yourself away for too long and that maybe now is the time for you to face what's happened to you so that you can move on past it before you make a mistake with your baby." Mo watched as the last few feeble walls crumbled and fell as her words hit Jac with the stark reality of the situation. "And I _know_ that you want to prove to the world – but mainly yourself – that you are not your mother … I'm trying to help you Jac."

"They don't listen to me," she whispered, "They didn't believe me!"

"Who didn't believe what?"

"The stupid shrink in the care home – he didn't believe me … said I was full of lies and tall tales and just trying to get other people into trouble."

"Why … what happened?" Mo looked round at Jac in time to see the tears fall from under her closed eyelids. "Jac … _what happened?_"

She was shaking her head and hugging her knees to her chest, struggling to calm her breathing down enough so that she could get out the words. It shocked Mo to see her like this – so clearly alone and helpless … no one had dared approach her before now and so she'd been keeping her past, her secrets, locked away for decades.

"I …" she screwed her face up as she almost forced the words out in a voice that was devoid of any emotion. "I – I … I was," she bit her lip.

"You were what?" but Mo thought she already knew what and the pit in her stomach suddenly became bottomless as Jac turned her eyes – filled with the torture of her past – onto her and confirmed it.

"I was raped."


	5. Chapter 5

It felt as if the world had ground to a halt, as if it was at a complete standstill – that or as if it was continuing on with Jac and Mo sitting in a bubble outside it and no longer a part of it. She wanted to comfort her, but knew that right now any form of physical contact would cause Jac to flinch away and probably send her into a panic. She sat trembling on the bottom step, wrapped in Jonny's hoodie and hugging her arms round her knees as she tried to make herself as small as possible as if that would protect her from the memories.

Mo struggled with what to say and the silence stretched on and on between them … what did you say to something like that? When someone tells you they were – well, that _that_ had happened to them, how did you respond to that? How could you? All Mo could do was sit there beside the broken woman as she tormented herself over the past and as she cried herself out.

All the little bits about Jac, the way she acted, the way she spoke, her attitude, her personality, her … everything suddenly clicked into place as _why_ became clearer and clearer to Mo. She felt a stab of pride in how the consultant had managed to get as far as she had without succumbing to her fears – her memories – and doing something foolish. Jac was far stronger than anyone gave her credit for … or even realised. The frosty 'ice-queen' persona was just that, a front to hide behind so that people took her seriously in this male dominated industry.

"Why didn't they believe you?" Mo asked eventually.

Jac shrugged, "because they didn't want to. Easier by far to label me a liar than admit there was a fault in the system."

"That's not right … how – how could they do that?" but Jac didn't know. She stared at the wall directly in front of them and Mo waited for her to speak. "How long had you been there? At the home, how long had you been there?" then feeling guilty she quickly added, "you don't have to answer if … well – if you don't want to."

Jac wiped her eyes with the cuff of Jonny's hoodie as she took another calming breath, letting it out slowly as she let go of her knees. "I'd been there a few years I guess … they got a new worker in not long before I turned fifteen. Everyone liked him – thought he was really funny and all that …" the memories – the order of events – leading up to _that night_ were hazy in her mind.

"Was it just you, or were there others?"

"Just me … it's always just me."

Jac watched as Mo struggled with it, "It's … it's just not right."

"It's fucking twisted. That's what you mean."

"Yeah … you were only fifteen and –"

"Fourteen," she corrected in a whisper.

"That just makes it worse … did he get away with it?"

This made Jac laugh. "Of course he got away with it!" she bit her lip and closed her eyes as she regained control over her emotions slightly. "It went on for weeks … we got a new shrink and she would've believed me I think … but I – I was afraid of him. Afraid of what he'd do if I told her."

"So what happened?" Jac didn't answer and Mo didn't push her to. The need for Jac to talk to a professional had just dramatically increased although Mo didn't blame her at all for shying away from them after her experience as a child.

"Why are you still here?" Mo blinked, confused at the question, "Everyone's normally long gone by now; I'll mention growing up in care and immediately get the whole 'care-home-kid' attitude and suddenly they don't want to listen."

Mo shifted on the step, trying to wake her bottom which had become rather numb from sitting on the cold hard step for so long. "You can't go on living your life the way you've been living it Jac … especially now that you're pregnant."

"Can too."

"Not with all this … you really think that you'll cope on your own with all this pregnancy stuff? And with the baby too … I just," Mo hesitated, "I just don't think you'll manage on your own."

"What do you want from me Mo?"

"Let him in Jac … tell Jonny the truth."

"What truth?"

"That you love him."

Jac closed her eyes and shook her head slightly. "I already have."

* * *

So Jonny hadn't gone skipping off to Mo the moment those three words had slipped out of Jac's mouth that time then? Odd, considering how … well it was just odd that's all. The automatic doors leading out of the hospital suddenly opened of their own accord and let in the rather bitter night air despite it being June. Jac pulled Jonny's hoodie tighter round her as Mo muttered about 'typical England' beside her.

"I told him when I came back from Japan … I told him I was sorry for what I'd done to him – us – and … I told him that I love him."

"Explains why he forgave you when he was adamant that he wouldn't."

"I didn't expect him to," Jac whispered, "and I when he did I promised myself that I wouldn't ruin it again … well we both know how well that went."

"He … he did say it though, didn't he? Jonny – he did tell you he loves you right?"

"No … and – and that hurts more than anything else; the fact that he couldn't be bothered to say it, not even once."

"The idiot … I'll go and lamp him one for you later."

Jac laughed slightly, "you really think he does?" she asked in a small voice.

"I've never seen him like this with anyone else Jac."

Jac was going to demand an answer as to why he'd never actually said it to her, but decided that it wouldn't make any difference, nor would it change the fact that he hadn't. Her thoughts drifted up six floors to the irritating Scott that had ruthlessly stolen her heart like the thief he clearly was. He was most probably being bored to death as Elliot rambled on about something totally unimportant and completely irrelevant to whatever topic of conversation they'd chosen.

"Wonder how the ward's coping – just Elliot and Jonny there to keep an eye on it," Jac muttered eventually.

"Well if there's a major catastrophe there's no way we're going to know about it – I've left my pager and phone behind."

Jac dug her hands through the pockets of Jonny's jacket, "me neither," she admitted, "hang on – I have Jonny's phone." Sensing that Mo was contemplating stealing it to look through it, Jac replaced it back into the pocket and sighed heavily before a churning in her stomach reached a sudden peak. Lurching forwards, she stumbled through the doors before throwing up in the flower beds that lined the short path to the door.

"Better?" Mo asked when she returned about five minutes later looking incredibly pale and rather worse for wear. She shrugged and suggested they returned to the ward before Hanssen sent out search parties for them.

"You still want me to talk to psych don't you?" Jac asked as they climbed the hundred and eighty odd steps up to Darwin.

"And you're going to fight me all the way about it, aren't you?"

"How did you guess?"

Mo laughed lightly, "Intuition."

"Look, I've made it so far without … all that – well without the talking crap."

"Just …" Mo sighed; she was right. Jac had made it this far without help … she at least had enough sense to let _some_ people in at times – she hadn't shut herself off totally. "Okay … well can you promise me this much at least?"

They'd ground to a halt half way up to Darwin and Jac turned, dwarfed by Jonny's hoodie, to look at Mo. "What?"

"Don't … don't do anything stupid yeah?"

"Meaning …?"

"I think you know what I mean." Mo held the consultant's gaze, trying to work out what it was she was seeing in her eyes. "Please Jac … promise me that much."

"Why?" she uttered the word dryly and unemotionally.

"Because, believe it or not … I care – so does the rest of the hospital – and well … please."

"You want me to promise not to try to kill myself? Am I that much of a risk?" Jac didn't sound angry, which was what Mo had anticipated she would be. Instead it was more regretful … as if her heart wasn't really in the words. Her concern touched Jac, it really did. But it wasn't needed, not this time at any rate and not for that sort of thing. "One thing about me Mo is that – contrary to popular beliefs – I learn from past mistakes."

"Huh?" Not wanting to see the look in her eyes, Jac turned away from Mo and stared down the gap between the flights. "Jac … what do you mean?"

"I was fourteen Mo … and no one gave a shit about me. What else was there for me to do?"

"You didn't!"

"I tried."


	6. Chapter 6

In all fairness, she should've seen it coming … but it was still a shock to hear her saying it in a soft voice that almost didn't belong to her. If someone else had told her – if she'd heard it through the wheel of gossip, Mo would probably have shrugged it off as people trying to undermine Jac and making all kinds tales trying to destroy the good reputation she'd worked so hard to earn. She wouldn't have believed it had she not heard it from Jac herself.

To be in a place where … _that_ … was your only option – your only escape … Mo couldn't imagine what that was like. Nor did she want to. Suddenly she was proud of Jac – proud of the way she refused to let her past hinder her and proud of the way she had hidden it so well for so long … even if it wasn't the ideal thing to do. Dwelling on it would most likely drive Jac up the wall and so Mo also understood why she never talked about it and why she avoided any such topics.

After such a painful and tough past – background – was it really that surprising that Jac was the way she was? Truthfully it was a miracle she had managed to retain her humanity and her heart … even if they were buried deep within her in order to protect them. She just needed people like Sacha – and Jonny – to bring them out of her and to show her that they deserved her trust. Belatedly, Mo realised that Jac trusted _her._

She had tried … tried to end her life because no one believed that she was being – Mo couldn't say the word, even in her own mind – and because she was so utterly alone. _Fourteen_ … to want to end your life at fourteen … "Say something."

It took Mo a moment to find her voice, "What do I say?"

"Anything," Jac whispered, "anything at all …" she needed to hear _something _while she worked out how to explain to Mo why she'd gotten to that point, because she felt she had to explain it to her – that she needed to make the registrar see just how lost she had been.

Mo sighed, "You don't have to explain to me Jac …"

"Yes I do," she turned to face her and sighed heavily as she sat down on a step, "because you don't understand."

"I think I'm beginning to though," Mo told her softly before she gave a quizzical smile, "anyway, what happened to you not wanting people to understand you?" Jac shrugged and Mo figured now wasn't the time for that sort of thing.

"Okay … maybe I don't have to explain why I – erm … just why. And I don't think I can."

"Then don't."

Jac looked down for a moment or two before she turned her gaze to Mo, "I was scared … and alone and … well – no one would've cared either way. I … _he_ had – erm …" Jac closed her eyes and Mo watched the pain and hurt flit across her pale face. "I just couldn't take anymore … we'd got our reports from school and mine –"

"Wasn't as good as they wanted it to be?" Mo said helpfully and Jac nodded gratefully.

"They let _him_ 'talk' to me about it and … and – he, erm …" Jac struggled a moment before taking a deep breath, forcing herself to remain calm. "I – he … wouldn't let me – I wasn't allowed to scream and …"

Mo was thankful that the red-headed surgeon had chosen that moment to look away; she took the opportunity to force away the lump in her throat and dry the wetness in her eyes. How on earth had he ensured that? Mo didn't want to think about it … but her mind refused to cooperate.

"Afterwards – I shut myself in my room and … well I probably would've managed it if the new shrink hadn't come to see why I wasn't at dinner – see that's what they did; send someone to drag you to dinner."

"What … what then?" Mo asked, almost afraid that things got worse.

"They took me to hospital …" Jac hugged her knees to her chest again.

A wild-eyed Mo stared at her, "why … what did you do?"

"Doesn't matter," she muttered.

"But …"

"Drop it!"

* * *

The silence stretched between them and Jac wondered what the time was and how much longer they had left on their shift. She was tired – no, she was exhausted – and she just wanted to sleep and forget. Already she was regretting letting Mo in – although she saw the benefits of having someone know – but she knew that she could trust Mo … even if she didn't particularly want to trust her.

Truth was Jac was afraid that now Mo knew all this that she'd treat her differently, that she'd let what Jac had told her change things. The person she was … that person was reliant upon people not knowing and people staying away from her personal stuff; because she was scared that people would realise how much of a lie it was – her coldness. If people got wind of the fact that, underneath it all, she was probably the most insecure person working in the hospital … no one would take her seriously and everyone would find a way to use that against her. Not everyone would want to, but they'd end up doing so at some point … if they knew.

If things changed … things were fine the way they were; she didn't want them to change and didn't want to be given any special treatment. Jac didn't want to be different from her colleagues … all her childhood she'd been different from her peers – her friends – and the result had been people singling her out as weak and targeting her because she stood out.

"So … what happened – when you got to hospital … what happened?"

"What part of drop it didn't you get!" Mo sighed; Jonny had mentioned in passing once that getting angry was one of her defences. "Sorry …" she muttered, "I … I haven't thought about what next for a long time."

"What'd you mean?"

Jac sighed and pulled Jonny's hoodie tighter round her as if trying to ward off a chill. "They talked about – for a while – sectioning me … until I told them …"

"And … did – they did believe you right?" Jac bit her lip but didn't reply, "Jac?"

"Elliot did," she whispered.

"Elliot? As in the bumbling professor that runs our ward?"

"I was his first ever patient here," she said it with a small smile, almost as if she was proud of that fact. "I don't even know if he remembers it …"

"Can't have been _that_ long ago, surely?"

"When he treated me; he treated a scared girl who'd been … raped … for almost three months," she'd not exactly stumbled over the word, but it hadn't come easily. "And when I came to work here, I doubt he recognised me."

"Surely he'd of remembered your name?"

"I changed it – when I was eighteen."

"Why?"

Jac shrugged, "it seemed like a good idea at the time – a good way to," she searched for the word, "run away from it all I suppose. A chance to … put it behind me," she sighed.

"Did it work?"

"For the most part … until my mother turned up dying of kidney failure three years ago."

"I heard that she conned you into giving you one of yours."

"Yep she did … imagine that; Jac Naylor tricked into doing something!" Jac sighed, "that was before … well around the time Daniel was born so Sacha and I – I …" she frowned. "He was the first person I told who she was."

"And he let you treat her?"

"No … but Ric made me, and I couldn't find an excuse not to without telling him … and then Michael got it out of me – pointed out she was probably here in the hopes I'd be a match." Jac sighed, "And I told Joseph … not sure why – well I do; I still loved him at that point – and he … convinced me that it wouldn't hurt to see if I was a match, and that it wouldn't mean I was forgiving her for what she'd done to me."

"I still don't understand why you did that for her … and – well …" Mo glanced at Jac, "you did mean that; it did mean you'd forgiven her."

Jac shook her head as tears once again fell down her cheeks. "I know."

"But … it was her fault; everything you've been through – her fault. Why did you forgive her for that? Jac – she should've protected you so why did you forgive her!"

"Because she's my mother … what else could I do?"

"You could've told her where to stick it!"


	7. Chapter 7

It felt strange, having someone so angry at her because she'd done something that had hurt _herself_ rather than someone different. Almost as if she didn't deserve all the crap she'd been forced to endure throughout her life. Jac listened to Mo's ranting beside her and decided that there was little point in keeping the rest back; Mo already knew enough to undermine her effectively and efficiently if she wanted to.

Mo knew she wasn't really paying attention to her; the consultant was listening but her face had the look of someone who was miles away. But it felt _necessary_ to tell her off for being such an idiot and letting her mother – even temporarily – back into her life because she knew that no one, ever, had done so to her before now. She knew that while Jac wasn't really paying attention, she was grateful for what it meant – that someone was showing that they cared.

Because people _did_ care about Jac; they all knew that _something_ had happened in her past to make her as she was and they all knew that she'd gone through some fairly tough times that had meant shutting people out was the only way to deal with them. They just didn't know how to approach her and so the 'caring' of Jac Naylor was left to those few people who wanted to. The likes of Sacha and Michael and Elliot, and now Jonny and Mo, were left to cope and help her as much as she would allow them to. Mo fell silent, figuring that Jac had – most likely – already beaten herself up about what had happened with her mother.

"Well … at least you won't make that mistake again – and forgive her."

"I probably will … you and Sacha will just have to stop me."

"Consider it done," Mo smiled and getting a small one out of Jac too. "Please talk to psych."

"Why?"

"Because one conversation in the dead of night isn't going to help you in the slightest," Mo told her softly and Jac hung her head.

"I don't need help."

"Don't need it or don't want it?" Jac sighed heavily but didn't answer because they both knew the answer. "What happens when you really need help Jac? But, because you've refused it so much before, no one will come?"

"It's too late for that Mo; I can't be fixed."

"It's never too late Jac," climbing awkwardly to her feet, Mo pulled Jac up with her, "Now let's go and see how the ward is – and if Jonny and Elliot have fallen asleep again." She let the consultant take the lead and observed how much effort it took her to climb the stairs; evidently the pregnancy was taking its toll on her and refused to let up. It would be a tough nine months – well six and a bit since she was already almost three months – but it would be so worth it in the end. "And you might not think you can be fixed, but Jonny sure as hell will heal you."

Jac paused for a moment but didn't respond. They continued up and onto Darwin in a relatively comfortable silence, finding that their predictions were incorrect in assuming that Jonny and Elliot would be fast asleep. Shrugging to say 'a break is a break' Jac detoured to the ladies, most probably to throw up again Mo thought – a fact confirmed when the red-haired surgeon failed to emerge after the usual peeing time was up.

"Jac's been in there a while," Elliot mused as Jonny glanced up at Mo; she gave a tiny nod.

"The food in the canteen looked a bit dodgy when we went down earlier – maybe that's it," Mo shrugged and Elliot mumbled to himself as he gave the excuse of 'paperwork' and bumbled off to the office. Now she thought about it, Elliot not connecting the Jac he worked with to the Jac he treated when he first started to work in Holby didn't surprise Mo.

"I thought the morning sickness was … well – in the morning," he glanced at the clock, "although technically it is morning so …"

"Shut up Jonny and go check she's alright."

She watched her friend enter the ladies and picked up the phone.

"Yeah … can I speak to Sharon Kozinsky please?"

* * *

After Jonny had endured Jac throwing up, he guided her back to the nurses' station picked up the pile of stuff he needed for his obs rounds and wondered if it was normal for Jac to be looking so … ill. Mo finished on the phone and told Jonny to get on with his job so that she could talk to Jac in the relative privacy of the silent ward. It was almost half three in the morning and home, bed, sleep, was looking like a long lost dream.

"Please don't shoot me down but …"

"But you've called psych and told them they've missed one?"

"Jac …"

"Just leave it!"

"Oh so the fact that Sharon Kozinsky had wanted an excuse to chat you means nothing then?" Mo retaliated.

"You're just saying that."

"No I'm not …" Mo sighed, "if you don't go for yourself then go for the baby …"

She'd won. If there was one thing, one angle, that Mo felt comfortable using then it was that one; the baby. The baby Jac was terrified she'd lose and terrified she'd destroy and terrified she'd hurt; the child that Jac already loved, even if she couldn't see it herself – yet.

"That was low," she muttered.

"But necessary." Mo watched Jac and was struck about how _tired_ she seemed to be.

"Even so, it was low."

"All I ask is that you take an hour of your time to speak to her … it might help."

"How exactly will that help?"

Mo shrugged, "can't hurt can it? And she'll be professional as shit."

"Do I have much choice?"

"Nope … besides – you want what's best for your baby right? So … what have you got to lose?"

"What little dignity I've retained throughout my life?"

Mo tilted her head as she realised that this felt like defeat to Jac; that talking to a professional was like admitting that there was something wrong with her. "It doesn't mean that you're failing you know … more like you're accepting that you can't do it alone."

Jac didn't respond and they fell silent for a while until footsteps echoed down the corridor and woke the two women out of their respective dozes. "Ah I hate early starts …"

"At least you don't have to endure night shifts," Jac muttered as Sharon Kozinsky shook Mo's hand while Jonny reported that things were all fine and dandy on the ward. "Well in that case you can go and get Mo her coffee before she decides to use my shoulder as a pillow."

Jac watched him down the corridor and out of sight before a churning in her stomach decided to erupt. As Jac dashed – yet again – to the ladies, Mo watched the surprise on Sharon Kozinsky's face at Jac's sudden departure. "Yeah … she's pregnant."

"Really … well then," she followed Jac's route down the corridor and into the ladies leaving Mo to hope that Jac wouldn't be overly difficult and wouldn't hate her for almost forcing her to speak with a professional.

Jonny returned with the coffee for Mo – and a tea for Jac – and Mo didn't see him after that since Mrs Thomas had woken and was feeling lonely. It was over an hour and a half later that Sharon Kozinsky left the ladies; she flashed a smile at Mo and said something about needing to do some paper work done before the day got started.

A few moments later Jac joined Mo at the nurses' station looking rather subdued. "Well?"

"Well what?"

"It's one step forwards, two steps back with you isn't it?"

"What?"

"Jac … did it help?"

"How should I know?"

Mo rolled her eyes. "What did you talk about?"

"The weather!" blimey this woman was hard work Mo mused. Jac groaned and let her head fall back against the back of the chair. "Just leave it okay? I can't deal with you _and _her on my case at once alright?"

"Take it she wants another chat at some point then?"

"And the rest …" Jac glanced up at the clock and then complained about it only being five in the morning.

"Go home Jac … there's only an hour or so left and there's no way you're fit for theatre."

"No … there's something I promised to do first."

"What?" Jac glanced at Mo and then across at where Jonny sat nodding off to the sound of Mrs Thomas' voice as she rattled on about something or other. "Jonny? Well it's no secret that you love him so much."

"Leave it Mo!"

"Not a chance," she grinned.

"I mean it!"

Mo couldn't resist, "Jac and Jonny sitting in a tree –"

"Shut up!"

"Oi you keep it down?" Jonny yelled over to them and the two women erupted into laughter.


	8. Chapter 8

Well at least Jac wasn't 'well that was a load of shit – she can go to hell' about her chat with Sharon Kozinsky … which pleased Mo. After everything that the consultant had been through, she deserved some kind of closure over what had happened to her; some way of getting past it and moving on from it because Jac had done nothing wrong to earn such memories. Luckily neither Jonny nor Elliot had thought Sharon Kozinsky's visit as anything other than rudimentary and so Jac's chat with the psych consultant went unnoticed.

Mo belatedly noticed that Jac was still wearing Jonny's hoodie.

Watching as Jonny made his way over towards them; Jac suddenly wished she hadn't promised to try to fix things between her and Jonny before the shift ended. It seemed like an already lost battle – even if Mo was sure he felt the same. Jac knew that he cared about the baby growing inside her, but that wasn't enough for her … she needed to know that he cared about _her_.

However she was scared that she'd gotten it all wrong and that he'd never wanted more than sex in the first place. She was scared that the move towards a proper – if stunted – relationship had been her move rather than his and that he'd been the one fighting rather than her. But she couldn't get rid of the knowledge of how _safe_ she felt in his arms and with him.

"So what's your plan of action then?"

"Huh?" Jac questioned.

"You talking things through with Jonny – got a plan?"

"Nope … and I might just leave it for another day and save myself the bother."

"And when another day comes you'll say you will do it another day and then another day and you get my drift."

"This has nothing to do with you!"

"True but then again I know you now so …" Mo turned to face Jac and grinned, "you can't hide from me!"

Jac sighed, "How did you do it? How the hell did you get all … that outta me?"

"I just have that kind of face; caring and compassionate and the sort of face you know you can to talk to."

"Oh yeah, that must be it."

Mo laughed, "I don't know … perhaps I was in the right place at the right time?"

"Maybe you were."

Watching Jac, the registrar couldn't help notice the way she was observing Jonny almost without realising it. She found it amusing somewhat to see that Jac had fallen so hard for the nurse; especially when she didn't seen the type to have even considered him simply because he was a nurse. "Did it help … to let it all out?"

"What'd you mean?"

"Oh c'mon Jac … you've kept all that secret for years – surely it feels good to let it all out at last to someone who would listen."

Hugging her knees to her chest once again, Jac didn't answer at first. "Just leave it okay? And if you tell anyone …"

"You'll what?"

"Just leave it."

Her mind was clearly elsewhere … and Mo wondered what she was thinking about now and if there were things she hadn't revealed to her – although she doubted it. Well if it had been _her_ Mo doubted she would've coped as well as Jac had with it all. It felt good though, knowing that Jac was now in the hands of someone who knew what they were doing and how to help her.

Bored of the conversation, Jac left Mo pondering whatever it was she was thinking about and headed into the locker room. Sinking gratefully down on the bench she lay back as if it were a bed and closed her eyes. "Elliot said we could go … he feel guilty for sleeping most of the shift so said he'd call the others if something happened." Mo opened her locker and started humming some crappy new song under her breath.

A moment or two later the door opened and Jonny walked in – or rather stumbled in. "I hate night shifts."

"That makes two of us," Jac muttered.

"Surely it should be three?" she heard Mo giggle slightly.

Opening her eyes Jac glared up at him, gesturing towards her abdomen Jac said, "This doesn't make me two people."

"My mistake," but he was grinning.

"Shut up."

* * *

The three of them piled into the lift since they were too exhausted to risk falling down the stairs and Jonny hit the button for the ground floor as he yawned setting Mo off. Disappearing off to the canteen for food Jonny left Jac and Mo to head to their respective methods of transport home without him.

The first rays of the sunlight were peeping over the horizon as the two women stepped outside of the hospital glad that their shifts were finally over. It felt strange, to think that they'd started the shift, a mere twelve hours ago or so and now … now Mo knew everything. Jac didn't know what to think about that and just wanted to forget about it as much as she could.

"You sure that it's a good idea to use your bike when you're so dead on your feet?" Jac turned to Mo and shrugged. "You want a lift home?"

She laughed at that, "Yeah because I haven't had enough of you already."

"Jonny then … and you can keep your promise to Kozinsky."

"I'm fine Mo. Perfectly capable of getting home safely."

"What? You suddenly don't want to talk to Jonny then?" _One step forwards, two steps back_ yeah, that was what it was like with Jac. "What are you so afraid of?"

"Leave it, yeah? And this … this – everything tonight … never happened." she walked off, presumably to wherever she'd left her bike and Mo was left knowing that Jac was only saying that because she'd once again set herself on autopilot.

"Jac already gone then?" Jonny had caught up with her and Mo wrestled with what she should do because Jac was in no fit state to be alone after such a stressful night.

"I don't know … but she's on her bike."

"I told her not to come on it!" he raged about to head off towards wherever she had left her bike that morning.

"Jonny," Mo caught his arm wondering what she could say, "she's shit scared that you will leave her – abandon her like her mother did." He frowned and shook his head, "You've got to prove otherwise to her, okay? She needs you."

"Where does all this come from?" he asked, pulling his arm out of her grasp.

"We talked … tonight – she told me …"

"What? About what?" he demanded. She didn't expect him to be angry.

"Talk to her … please. She needs you, okay?"

He spun on his heel and marched off in the direction Jac had disappeared off to a few moments before. Mo didn't follow. Watching as Jac tucked her hair under her jacket in preparation to put her helmet on, Jonny hurried to catch her before she left. The surgeon climbed onto the bike and switched on the engine as Jonny lurched in front of it and placed his hands firmly on the handlebars; she'd run him over if she let go of the throttle.

"Get out of the way Maconie!"

"No."

"I said move!"

"Not gonna happen Jac."

She revved the engine, but they both knew she'd never let go and risk hurting him. "Move … Jonny, please."

"Why? You're dead-on-your-feet as well as having endometriosis _and _on top of that … you happen to be pregnant. With _my_ child; now get off the bike. I'm not going to risk that."

"Leave me alone!"

The few people that had gathered round them in the small hidden car park round the back couldn't possibly know what they were saying, but the situation was clear. "Why? We both know that's not what you want Jac."

"Who put you up to this? It was Mo wasn't it!" she let go of one of the handle bars and pulled off her helmet. "What has she told you?"

"Nothing!" he almost yelled, "and that's the fucking problem Jac! She's my best mate and she's keeping secrets from me … you trust her, but not me! Why?"

She bit her lip and then gave in with tears in her eyes, "Because I'm scared Jonny," it was a whisper that he wasn't sure he'd heard correctly over the engine, however she switched it off and repeated the words. "I'm scared that, you'll never understand just how scared I am and that … you'll leave me – us."

"Why would I do that," he laughed slightly. "I don't need to know _how_ scared you are Jac; I just need to know that you are."

"Why?"

He shrugged, "now where shall we go for breakfast?"

Mo pulled up in to her house and pulled out her phone. There was a single word from Jac; _thankyou_ and the registrar smiled.


End file.
